Just as you dive into a swimming pool the sounds around get much quitter and the water becomes so loud until your head is submerged and you can no longer hear much but can just hear the faint sounds of the water crushing together about you.
The sound of being in a swimming pool comes mind right now, well tonight, right now. Its where I’d like to be. Swimming. To be presice I’d like to be in a deep pool and swimming right near the bottom, where the pressure is. that tight squeezing you get to your lungs and your brain. The only other time i can remember that feeling is after crying really really hard, when your just trying to catch your breath and suddenly you feel the headache caused by a feeling of pressure and the slight difficulty to breath through the snot and tears and arms. strangle I’ve always noticed the arms whether they were mine or those of the comforter.
I’ve been trying to write something lately that might help me understand everything I’ve been feeling. A lot has clouded me from myself. “you’ve lost it mate” its not “it” that is lost its “you”. I’ve been surrounded by so many people that I’ve found it hard to think, clearly anyway. See I’m drinking an emotional punch. the flavour of it all is there but non of the individual ingrediants are easily identifiable. get very quick hits of them every now and again. The bad water dive, thats what I’d name this cocktail, keeping with the theme at hand.
I can’t get out of my mind that about 2 years ago roughly around this time if not a couple of days out I posted something on tumblr, and to this i day i still believe it to be one of the most honest thing I’ve written. Depressing as it may have been it was laced with hope, blind and ignorant hope. memories, love and an attempt at understanding. it seemed quite assured in itself but completely and utterly not knowing. written by a young man who thought it possible to get back what was gone. failer is a serious teacher. when people have prevented you from really failing and you start succeeding at everything and then you fail,it will shock you. insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting a different result. failing to bring her back wasn’t the hard part, its realising that you’re trying to bring back the dead by trying to make them proud and deliver on promises. i thought i had no expectations but i expected to hear what you thought. I needed you to stop me from making some of the decisions i made.
Swimming pools. sometimes you dive so deep and keep swimming believing that your going in the right direction but when you surface you realise you steered so far away that your destination that you now have a different journey on your hands.
support and freedom, its the feeling water gives when you’re submerged in it. you can’t trip and fall in a pool. no silly mistakes
I’ve walked and tripped quite a few times on land, I’d just like to Swim again.